Sorry Guys

Yeah so it's been a while since i have writen. I've been kinda anti-social latley and i think i have been detered from writing because of it. I realize that this is how a few people have been keeping up with my life and by not writing it was one more way to shut them out. I'm not sure what my deal is lately. I found out the other day that I passed English, not only did i pass but I got a B. Thant's incredible considering how little work i did. It also makes me feel bad for the people that worked hard and did everything and still got Bs. What are you gunna do. I figured out that even without a single lab done i have a C in physics but i just turned in the very first lab that we did at the begining of the semester the other day so i shouldn't be too bad off. The red bull flugtag (spelling?) is tomorrow and a bunch of people i know are going. I wanted to go but i had to work so i didn't bother thinking about it. Jamie told me everyone was going yesterday (i mean thursday, i know it's saturday but it's still friday night for me). She tried to get a couple people to cover my shift so i could go but every one had plans so that didn't work out. It turns out though that just about everyone is going to the flugtaug(maybe?). I guess it's good that I'm, not going cause i really can't afford a day in the city plus they are all going to The Cheescake Factory afterward. I also think it's good cause i need to start being independent of Jamie i still feel like i'm atatched to her whenever we hang out together. I want to be her friend and all but i don't feel i will ever escape being her ex. I've been goig to the gym (i missed the last couple of days). We got free 30 day passes through work. I've been feeling really good and I want to move on with stuff. Don't get me wrong I'm still chicken shit when it comes to girls, and i don't really have any viable prospects at the moment; but i want to be able to. A couple of people have been sugesting that i try to date a certain 16 year old that i think is hella cute. This i understand to be wrong. I'm 20 almost 21 years old it's just wrong to date 16 year old girls. anyway that's out of the question so you guys (and you know who you are) can stop pushing. DSL is cool and I've reeped the benifits many times in the last week or so. My mom doesn't seem too impressed but i think she will come around. her computer is kinda old so it can't really handle all the shit the new connectin wants to do, that combined with the fact that she refuses to upgrade to the newest version of anything, make it dificult to demonstrate to her the power of broadband. anyway, I want a social life but it seems like all the other things i want in life get in the way. My mom says i'm self absobed, i think she might be right. unfortunetly my head doesn't want to get around all the stuff that I want to do. I went to the movies last weekend and this with michelle and brandon, but that was on friday, and tonite, saturday i end up sitting at home alone at my computer. I have had a couple opertunities to do other things but i pass them up, i don't know why. I make excusses to not have to have a social life. But i want a social life. I don't know what to do. I'm getting by in school, although Calc isn't looking promising, i've failed the first two tests and haven't turned in but a lick of homework. I go to class every day. I'm one of those people that goes to class but just doesn't do the work required to do well. I think part of it is that i am so used to just getting math that now that it's actually challenging i don't want to try. I think i might have a fear of failure. Although when it comes to women and all i don't have a fear of them saying no, i can take no all day long, which in itself is probably an issue. But i do have a fear of them saying yes and then bailing on me. I've only been on one actuall date in my whole life and the other two girls i tried to date bailed on me multiple times. The second one at least had the decensy to tell me she was gunna bail where as the first was convieniently unreachable when the time came. I think I'm bitter about a lot of the things that have happened to me. Don't get me wrong i realize there are a lot of people in the world that probably wish all they had was my problems, but (and i don't think that this is all that self centered) these problems are happening to me. now it's not to say that i don't care about other peoples problems just that, this is my place to talk about mine. I suppose my recent anti social behavior could be the result of me feeling really lonly lately even in the company of others, including friends and family. There;'s just a certain part of me that can't be filled by friends, familly, or the occasional piece of ass. It's odd when i get lonely i draw back from everything. I always have. Hold up in my room all day, fiddling with my computer, or sitting in front of the TV whatching whatever random crap i happen to surf to. Jen's leaving me. she's moving to santa barbara, don't get me wrong i luv jen to death and i'm way happy for her, but i'm gunna miss her. BYE JEN I LOVE YOU. OK she's not leeving for a couple of months (dec) but yeah like i said i've been kkinda anti social and haven't seen her much. I almost feel like maybe when i'm done with all of this i will emerge ready to take on the world, ready to be a new person i still want to be me, I fucking great damn it, but ther are some things i would like to change. I'm a cocky son of a bitch, but when it comes down to it i'm all talk. I need a skill. something that I can be good at that not evryone want s me to do for them something for me that i know i'm good at, that i don't have to share with anyone. But then what good would it be if no one knew. Maybe i would know but what good is that. I need to feel accpeted i think that's alot of it too. I'm a lot of thins i don't want to be, and only a few that i do. Some times i wish i was normal. Some people ask what's "normal". I think those people are usually normal themselves (yeah i think that's spelled wrong). I'm lazy too, like that last word I'm way to fucking lazy to find out if it's wrong, it just doesn't look right. There are very few 'I' s that are capitalized when they should be in this paragraph, and that's because i am too lazy to hold the shift key with my pinky when i type the letter. It all comes down to the little things. When i wake up tomorrow i have to go to work. owrks getting kinda boring the same short handed crew on saturday the same getting screwed on my shift sunday. I need some excitment in my life, that lasts for more than a few minuets or a day, i need something new, a change of scenery. I've thought about going someplace but i can't, everything i have is here. school, work, a place to live. If i went somewhere else i would have to give up all the things that allow me my lazy life. I should do something about it, but i'm lazy and i see no end in sight ot that. I have boxess upon boxess upon big piles of shit, all half done projects, I think i'm incapable of doing anything completely. when i eat a burger even i almost always leave that last 3/4 of a square inch of bun and burger. But like i said it all comes down to the little things. Hopefully i will feel better tomorrow.